She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
