Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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