My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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