somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
