remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
