Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Randomize
