I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Randomize
