someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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