no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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