Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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