Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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