I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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