this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
