I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
