so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize