Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
