I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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