I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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