So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
