Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
