i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
