aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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