You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
