is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
