also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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