I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
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