I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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