sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
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