I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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