i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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