I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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