He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
