Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
two words: eviction party
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
