I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
