I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
OPIZZABONMYDICK
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
