Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
