well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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