I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
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