You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
