I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
she looked like the before picture.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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