i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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