You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
where are my eyebrows?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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