my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
