That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
