if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize