I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
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