The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
