How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
