he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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