By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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