i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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