Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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