things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize