My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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