So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Sext me about skeletons
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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