You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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