My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
