I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
