Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
