So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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